I believe it doesn’t matter what standing looks like.
I’ve learned to just stand.
It’d be great if peace always stood with me, but that sometimes is not possible.
I’ve had to toughen up through this healing process. I believe it’s the kind of growth that’s required. To be clear, this isn’t a protection that is erected through hardness. Hardheartedness is a tough exterior that builds an impenetrable armor around your heart. A supposed barrier for pain. Unfortunately, that barrier also blocks out everything good. I know. I’ve lived there too.
No love in. No love out.
Pain is the longest of the roads I’ve taken. It’s dark, dreadful and full of misery. It is also very necessary. The problem is that in pain and, even sometimes out of pain, I find myself falling down. Oh, I’ve had many wins but falling down is the area that has the potential to keep me stuck. It isn’t the falling that is the problem. It’s not having the courage to stand up again after the fall that disables my strength and keeps me down.
Life is a continual journey.
The journey of healing is a messy one. So messy that folks don’t like to come near it or want to clean it up quickly and present a nicely adorned box. Perfectly designed, healed and orderly. My packaging is still a bit tattered and my ribbons a little crimped. Nonetheless, I travel on. I care more about what is going on inside of me than what you see.
If I allowed the opinions of other people to dictate my growth, I wouldn’t be able to tell this story.
I am learning by God’s grace how to uncomplicate the complicated. I’m learning that it takes an ability outside of myself to even identify my need. If it wasn’t for a God who cared and strove to find me, I would remain lost.
As it is, I don’t feel the burden of being lost. I am not empty and I finally have a capacity to believe in myself.