This is the motel where she was murdered. I’ve driven by thousands of times during my life. I’m so tired of seeing that run down place but the constant reminder is part of what helped push me toward healing.
I think I’m ready to move on now but I have to leave her behind. I need to leave this place and all the dark territory with it. But, for all these years, I wasn’t ready to go. I wasn’t ready because I had unfinished business here. Tasks to attend to. Guilt to leave resolved.
What does it feel like when you witness a murder? It feels like a responsibility to make it right.
I learned I could not make it right.
I tried so many times. I went to the guy who held the knife and pleaded with him. He was my father, but he wouldn’t help me. Then, he died. I went to the cops. They believed me but needed a confession or the body. Then, I sought out the other man in the room with us. I drove to his house and chatted with him for a few hours. Pleading for his help to make this right for the women. This is how he ended our conversation:
“Just let it go. Forget about the whole thing and get on with your life. Get rich.
Just let it go.”From recorded conversation in October 2018
Get rich? WTF! That’s all he had to say about helping take a women’s life? You don’t get to just walk away. It doesn’t work like that. In this case, however, it did. They both got away with murder.
How do you move on from such atrocity? How could I just leave this alone? An innocent life was taken without any recourse. A women who had family looking for her. A missing person that will never be found. It still pains me and stabs at the integrity of justice.
Nevertheless, I have found a God much bigger than me. A God that overcomes the shadows. A God that I cry out to when I must. A God that comforts and heals me.
A God that I sing to.
I woke up this morning singing this song by Bread:
I sing the words out loud to my Creator because I always need Him stayin’ beside me!