Laid Bare

I remember being asked the question, “What is your deepest fear?”

My response always seemed odd, but it was the first thing my mind answered, “Having someone sit next to me in my deepest suffering.”

Isn’t that strange?

I always thought so, too, but it was the only answer my mind bellowed in response to that question.

If someone sat next to my pain, it would affirm it’s visibility. Not only seen by them, but now evident to me as well. If I kept it hidden in the darkest recesses of my mind, even I didn’t have to sit next to it.

Only God would have known how to bring me back to the memories of the murder in the motel room. I did not have the strength on my own. Not only was I without strength to return to the scene, I didn’t much have the desire. Once my mind opened the door to the murder, I wasn’t going to be stupid enough to go back for the details. My counselor would ask me about the blood. “The blood?” I’d reason with him. “No, I don’t recall that.” He’d pry and say things like, “Jodie, that had to be a bloody scene.”

I kept it hidden away. If I didn’t answer his questions my mind would not try to retrace the tracks of those years. Right?

Well, we are as sick as our secrets.

As I have walked back through my beginnings, the lessons I have learned are tremendous. The length of time to learn those lessons, longer still. But, I have learned. I’ve learned to let go and let God handle the things I cannot. The burdens that are too deep for me to recover, He presents to me in a way that I can tolerate. It’s not easy. It’s not easy at all. But, I can do it with Him by my side.

I always say reach for the stars. That way, even if you miss a star, you’ll land in the Heavens.

Make sure on the journey, you don’t blame those around who love you. It’s so easy to do but we need the strength of people, too. As much as that sometimes pains me to admit, it’s true.

8 thoughts on “Laid Bare

  1. I can identify with that fear, believe it or not. So you’re not alone. When I almost died some years back, I felt weird sharing that low moment with my parents and even strangers around me. It was like my armor fell off and everyone could see what was tearing me apart. If that makes any sense. I think it’s kind of rooted in a fear to be vulnerable with others. It’s like we tell ourselves we have to be strong, not only for ourselves, but for others. But when pain strikes, the armor just slips off and there’s this worry that people will see it. Your words really hit home for me and I love the message that you give in the end. Nothing is impossible to deal with when God is with us. He makes the pain a bit more bearable to deal with and He knows what we can handle. It definitely toughens us up. Your posts are so inspiring and uplifting, Jodie. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    Liked by 1 person

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