Reading this now, it seems pathetic. At the time I wrote it, I was desperate. I’m not sure what I was begging for, but I was going to the wrong source.
He answered my email with some bullshit reply about going back to “an old line church” so I wouldn’t be so miserable. Here’s my reply to him:
Today, that fight in me has passed. I said to him all the things I needed to say. When he died, I knew his death would not bring me peace.
The peace I’ve found is an eternal peace that was gifted to me by my Father. My adopted Father, that is. He is not of this kingdom and I’m so gratefully He found me and called me by name.
I now let Him do the fighting for me. I have ceased the battle with the family I was born into. I realize now that I just to pass through them, but that I was not one of them. That didn’t come easy. I wanted to be seen by them. I didn’t expect the gift of kindness or even to be invited to their homes. I just wanted them to see my pain, my struggles – the truth.
Today, after many years of healing, I no longer care about any of that. I had to come through that family just to find my place in the world. They are no longer me and I am no longer them.
I am free.
The Lord says this to you: ‘Be not afraid or dismayed at this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God’s.2 Chronicles 20:15