The dream is in black and white. We’re in an office setting and my father has a women pinned against a desk. The dream ends with him pushing her head down on the desk and pulling up her skirt.
I couldn’t decipher that nightmare as a child, but throughout my life, it never changed.
What did keep my nights spinning was incredible pain that flashed throughout my body. My legs would ache so tremendously that I would be forced out of bed. Comfort lived nowhere in my home, so my mind raced to find a solution. I was about 8 or so when I discovered that a scalding hot bath would take the pain away. Of course, I was terrified that my parents would get mad at me for being up, but no one ever came to see what my problem was.
I remember waking up one morning and my brother asking me why I was outside walking around during late at night. I questioned him, “What are you talking about? I wasn’t outside.” And he replied, “Yes, you were. You walked right by my window.” That scared the shit out of me.
Nights have always been so reckless that my days were spent trying to ease the subsequent discomfort and pain. Any consideration of my future didn’t exist in those days. I had no time for dreaming. I was in such a state of survival, it was the only focus I could manage.
Today is different. Today is fresh each morning. Today my nights are more peaceful than they once were. I still have an occasional nightmare, that is something I have no control over. But, I have tools now to recover and get back on my journey.
All the days of my life on this planet will be spent trying to heal the wounds that were inflicted upon me. I have to accept that. But, I have peace. Both can be true.