Fantasy Island – Do You Pretend?

Why is that my mind wanders away from reality so quickly? They call it dissociation but if I could live in an altered state, none of my story would be true. And, if it were true, I’d minimize it. Change the destruction of its path. I would temper it to the point where it had no meaning.

That’s just fantasy though.

The day I was five and watched my mother drive away, leaving me all alone, once again abandoned, in that house on their mountain – I’d change that. She would have lifted me up and told me she was sorry. She didn’t mean to leave me that day, she’d just forgotten I wasn’t in the car. That’s all. She hadn’t intentionally left me on the hill with the dead lady. She wouldn’t do that.

My father and brother just loved me so much they had to sleep with me. They couldn’t help themselves because our bond was so strong. We loved each other. We needed the depth of relationship to change through sexual intercourse. That’s it. It wasn’t rape.

Lolita had nothing over me.

Wait! What?

I listen to people do this all the time. The brutality too cruel, they change the story. I tried to do it for years. I needed my mother’s love, so I pretended. My father was a funny guy that liked to tell stories and me and my brother were great pals.

The great pretender.

It didn’t get me very far down the road of recovery. But, I liked it while it lasted.

6 thoughts on “Fantasy Island – Do You Pretend?

  1. A child HAS TO DENY PARENTS ARE HURTFUL its just one of the ultimately most sad things about child abuse.. we make up fantasies to stay bonded.. i know I still to it at times.. my abuse was less severe… i understand why my Mum passed it on. It take courage to move out of denial.. but its such an important reaction formation to understand and get out from under…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, it’s more than hard to do. But it is mandatory to have full freedom. Without full confession and ownership from the abusers – it is the only choice. I’m so sorry for the abuse you suffered. Degrees of pain don’t really exist. Pain is pain. Xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

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